Okay, confession time: I wrote the first draft of this while literally holding my breath. Mindful breathing techniques Like full-on blue-in-the-face forgetting to oxygenate. Which is exactly why I need these techniques, and why you might too if you’re a fellow “stress holder.”
Why Breathing Feels Like a Part-Time Job
Here’s the shit nobody admits:
- You’ve been breathing wrong since 3rd grade (turns out belly breathing isn’t just for babies)
- Your right nostril is probably clogged right now (allergies? stress? demonic possession?)
- “Just breathe” advice makes you want to throat-punch someone (but also… it kinda works?)
Breathing Hacks for the Chronically Overwhelmed
1. The Sigh-and-Eye-Roll Method
- Deep inhale through nose
- Dramatic sigh out mouth
- Mindful breathing techniques
Best for:Â Work emails from hell, family group texts
2. Elevator Breathing (For When You Have 30 Seconds)
- Inhale as elevator goes up
- Hold while doors open
- Exhale as you step out
Pro tip:Â Works equally well on actual elevators and emotional ones
3. The “Oh Shit I’m Panicking” Breath
- Inhale like you’re smelling fresh pizza
- Exhale like blowing out birthday candles
- Repeat until you can feel your toes again
The Real Talk Section
Sometimes mindful breathing feels like magic. Other times you’ll be doing your 4-7-8 Mindful breathing techniques while ugly-crying in a Target parking lot and wondering when life became this hard. Both experiences are valid.
What Actually Helps:
- Pair it with existing habits (breathe while waiting for microwave)
- Make it stupid simple (one breath per email deleted)
- Embrace the fails (I once sneezed mid-pranayama and scared my cat)
The Takeaway
After six months of “practicing” mindful breathing:
✓ I still forget to do it daily
✓ I sometimes hyperventilate by accident
✓ But now I notice when I’m holding my breath
And that? That’s progress.
Your Homework:
- Notice one time today when you stop breathing
- Laugh at your ridiculous human body
- Take one real breath
- Go back to whatever stress tornado you were in
— Written while intermittently remembering to oxygenate
Outbound Link:
Harvard Medical School on breathing and stress relief:
NIH study on pranayama benefits:
